| Can't help |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|07:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
I can’t help myself and I can’t help you. There are no easy solutions to your problems and I know this, but trying to cope with the hard solutions are beyond me right now. All I have is a mountain of self-loathing and a broken Y key, yet I know that I must persevere, for to do otherwise would be unworthy. I will find answers and take action, but now is not the time, I fear. It has been the hour and the days of wallowing in my misery, but soon enough, I must have hope, the time of action is at hand. I feel the catalyst lurking beneath my misery, waiting for a change in chemistry to bring it to strength. I hate being a victim of my brain chemistry, but as the years pass it is becoming more and more clear that I am. In the future and in the past I will act tough but I know that it’s small things that can incapacitate me, which is why I put on such a front, there is no other answer but bravado. In the end I rely on others to bolster me in my weakness. If I can sleep tonight I will play tough tomorrow, if not I might expose my weakness to people who haven’t seen it before. Recently I have shown my weakness but it has not been met with the comfort and acceptance I was honestly expecting, making me react badly to someone I otherwise care for deeply. I lash out when I feel wronged and I know that this is a dangerous and deplorable tendency, but I can’t seem to help myself, no matter how many times I end up feeling bad. I was verbally cruel to someone who didn’t really deserve it and now I am reaping what I have sown. He didn’t deserve my cruelty but I unleashed it on him, whereas I mostly kept it from those who deserved it most. I have done wrong and I am going mad because I am denied the opportunity to right things. I always feel that I can fix things if only I can apply words to them, and being refused the opportunity to do so is the utmost torture. I just need to explain myself fully and apologize for my unpleasantness. I need absolution. There is no other word for it. I must pour myself out and be judged, punished, and allowed to move on. I have no desire to linger in the stages of doubt and remorse the repentant unabsolved must endure. My mind tortures me sufficiently in life to equate any postmortem Hell you could conjure. Just by releasing these words I feel freer than I did before, as if they could drift away and rectify my sins and evils. In reality I know what could make me feel truly absolved but know as well that I shan’t be getting it. I can’t weasel my way into forgiveness if I won’t be heard. Being ignored is the cruelest penance possible to inflict on me. |
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| it's been a while- still using ye olde journal as a way to procrastinate |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|02:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Against Me! | ] |
So many things have happened it's hard to do a recap. i won't bother. as things stand now i have a job, a house, a cell phone, no internet, 2 kittens, and no attachments. i feel reasonably free to do whatever i want, short of moving someplace because i rashly acquired kittens when i first got my house. School's going alright, this time around there are a few classes i'm borderline on. old english is really hard and although i've given it lots of time, i still don't study enough to be doing optimally. japanese has gotten much harder and i'm worried about my grade because i don't do much homework.
more and more lately i've been having periods of questioning what i'm going to do with myself in the long run. the best i could hope for is to become a literary translator and the most likely other option is a teacher- which might destroy my soul, however much of one i actually have. I have realized that i am a fundamentally ammoral and lazy person. I am reasonably happy though, i like my house and my direction in school and the people i live with and what i do for fun. i have bad habits that i don't try to curtail because they don't interfere with the things i have to do, usually. i am also optimistic about being warm enough on most nights, even though the heating in my house is almost nonexistent. last night i slept on the couch closest to the heater and left the heater set on 65. it was so nice. one thing that is a major drag about living with people that are 21 or over is that i can't go out with them or go listen to a friend's band because they are small-time and play in bars. i still have over a year left to wait, damn.
alright time to get cracking on the dumbass anthropology assignment that is only worth 7 points but must be done because i've missed too many of them already.
"this just isn't love; it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling; even if i stayed, it just wouldn't be the same." Against Me! 'Cavalier Eternal'
and now my hair is bright green. it's wierd to look in the mirror or see my reflection and not see blue. this is going to take some getting used to- it's so ...unnatural. |
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| the world is changing but i just stay the same |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|12:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | an amalgamation of songs i recall from days gone by | ] |
been a long time since i updated. even though when i was at home with my brother i learned that we could steal internet from my neighbor with timothy's laptop, i still didn't update because it's just something i do when i'm just idly crusing the internet. right now there are several posts of friends that i would like to respond to, but i know odds are i'm not going to get around to it anytime soon. what a lazy bum i am. general shout out to all my friends: i wish you well and hope the things you are all dealing with turn out to your liking or at least reach some kind of resolution.
and now for a general me update: I've got a job working at grass roots canvasing and we're working for environmental action right now. they're a great group trying to stop the Clear Skies Initiative which would undo a whole lot of the groundwork laid by the clean air act and it's current amendments. right now there are many warnings against eating certain kinds of fish (especially salmon of tuna more than once a month) but if that bill gets passed it will only get worse. As the original act stands we can look forward to some improvements as the coal burning power plants are required to add scrubbers that would reduce mercury pollution by 90% by 2008. we'll see who wins, public health or the cheap ass power industry that refuses to look further into the future than this years profits.
i also have a place to live in albuquerque now. it's kinda ghetto, but it's really close to UNM. it belongs to the Frontier slumlords, they own at least half a dozen other houses in the neighborhood, which i find pretty funny. my roommate is very cool and also 21. hell yeah. actually i've decided that this year i will actually fuck around less and concentrate on school more so i can get my shit together at make something of myself. here's hoping i get russian straightened out.
right now i'm in louisiana with my famliy and will be for a little while longer. my sister lily has gotten really big for some reason it surprises me every time i think she's 5 years old. when the hell did 5 years pass? anyway she's just beginning her adventures in education as mine draw to a close. i kind of envy the way that she has so many years ahead of her when life will be new and fun and carefree. i never thought that i'd run out of that time, but i have without even noticing.
anyway i'm feeling way more positive than i have in a while. i think my brother's ambitious veiw of the future has reminded me of what i once assumed i could and would do. "I'm going to do something big, and change things, and so will you." i've come back to myself, instead of just floating through free and easy, i know that i have potential and it would be ridiculously pathetic to just let it go to waste because i'm lazy.
~things are gonna change, i can feel it~ |
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| moving again |
[May. 14th, 2005|09:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hey Jealousy- gin blossoms | ] |
well what was my immenant depature from the dorms is now my about to be underway depature from the dorms. damn am i going to miss the free internet, now it's back to stealing time when i can, like going to the dirty library. oh well c'est la vie.
for any of you who don't know, my phone number is now going to be 866-9433, if you wanna get ahold of me. with any luck i will get a job and a new place to live and a cell phone, but thus far luck hates me with avengance.
off to lug around heavy boxes. hurrah! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2005|12:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | some japanese j-rock band that i really like | ] |
I am unsettled. things just don't feel right and the only thing i can think to blame it on is my possibly precarious summer. i don't have a job yet, or a real place to stay in town. I'm not sure if i will be able to keep from falling into the same summer routine as always. i want to be free this time, but i still have at least some obligation to go see my family. then there is also nick. i find myself growing more and more fond of him as our time together draws closer to the end. i want to stay here and be with him but i don't know if i will be able to. damn how did things get so complicated?
well i'm off to bed, last night i only got 5 hours of sleep because the damn phone kept ringing and like 3 times there wasn't even anyone there. |
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| YYYAAAYYYYY!!!!!! |
[May. 7th, 2005|05:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
Another year of school completed, maybe not successfully, but completed.
Now for an exciting weekend at home with my mother- feel the dread! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|02:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | flogging molly | ] |
so far today has been very anticlimactic. i finished my linguistics paper relatively easily, i fulfilled the minimum requirements. my legend presentation thingy was ok, even though my puppets looked like crap. everyone else had a more entertaining presentation than we did... oh well. i got a 34.5/35 on my legend project, but i feel somewhat deficient in feedback, i might have even preferred ranting about how much my grammar sucked to what i got. oh well....
off to see if i have leprosy! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|11:49 am] |
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heh heh stupid name for me: My insulting name is Odious and unpleasant child Rider of a female camel!
What's yours? |
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| the difficulties of human interaction |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|09:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NOFX- Whoops I Od'd | ] |
i can be incredibly angry one moment and completely detached the next. however tonight i realized i back that calmness up with food, it comforts me and provides momentary happiness and distraction. this could be the beginning of a serious problem, or it could just be a normal way to return my mental equlibrium, that positive boost to my blood sugar.
how can someone you spend over 20 hours a week with not even begin to understand you? someone you share just about every part of you with? is it my karmic retribution for the lies i tell, that one of the people i'm supposed to be closest to seems to be completely incapable of knowing how i might react to something?
and how should i react? to me it seems inconscionable to not respond with ultimate vengeance, but still i held myself back from doing it. i can't tell if i was just thinking before i acted or if i was unnaturally reluctant about to cause the end that would result. makes me worry about myself.
eh... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|11:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | neutral milk hotel | ] |
i finished it i finished it! in 24 hours i finished it!!! and i used livejournal to spell check!!!
Aillil the Fair
The Birth of Aillil Maccrimmor
Edward Maccrimmor fled to Scotland as the Normans grew more oppressive in England. He was the second son of a minor Saxon noble, but with the growing observance of primogeniture, he would inherit none of his father's land. So, he had left home when he heard rumor of land in Northumbria that was being granted to Saxons by the Scottish king. He wore all that he owned: his plain linen kirtle underneath his fine red tunic underneath his everyday brown tunic, a wool hood, his only pair of hose, and his shoes wrapped in his cloak slung across his back.(Mcnaughton) The only things of value he carried were a few silver coins, and an ancient sword, still sturdy despite its age, that was an heirloom brought down from the North centuries ago. Hrunting was its name, the still shining blade shadowed with the wave like patterns where the metal had been braided during forging. (Heaney, 103.)
He was being pursued by a Norman sheriff for poaching, for lack of any other food he had caught and killed a couple of pheasants on the King's land while he was still in England. William the Conqueror had been quick to establish Norman laws after he defeated Harold at Hastings in 1066. (Gunn) As Edward was running across the rolling green Fields, he noticed a gap in the dense bushes and forced his way through the opening. At first it seemed like he had come across an unfinished or abandoned castle with a brambly palisade wall, broad green bailey, and raised, round motte where a keep would have been built. (Thomas) However, as he followed the stone path that had begun a few feet past the opening in the hedge, it curved around the edge of the mound and he saw a stone framed entrance into it. Curious, he approached the dark-enshrouded aperture, paused briefly, and then slipped through the short and narrow stone opening. It was pitch black inside and he drew his sword in order to carefully feel out his surroundings. A sunbeam glinted off his sword and out into the darkness, only to be reflected off something nearby that shone gold. Light suddenly sprung from a bronze lamp on a stand off to his right. Three more lamps lit themselves to show a stone throne, heavily carved with vine scroll, in the center of the lamp array.(Liang, 71.) On the throne was seated a beautiful maiden with pale eyes and silver hair, bound only by a silver fillet.(Mcnaughton) She wore a blue embroidered tunic that was slashed to reveal a creamy silk kirtle underneath.(Mcnaughton) Her eyes settled on Edward and she asked, "Have you come to free me from my confinement? If you truly need me, I will be free to aid you."
She was the last of her people and she had been left to guard the treasure of her people until she was freed by one who has great need for her assistance. Edward replied, "Great Lady, I do need your assistance, for I find myself without home or hearth in a strange land. What must I do to free you?"
"I am Aelfgifu, say my name three times and free me."
He did and she rose from the throne and gifted him with a golden torq carved in much the same way as the throne was, a tunic that matched hers, and fine silver cup. Edward did not touch the rest of the treasure for fear of the restless spirits that might still haunt the barrow. (MacRitchie, 93.)Fairy hoards were hallowed, there was more ancient power in them than any modern man could manipulate without deadly repercussions. He offered Aelfgifu his hand and said, "Come, let us be gone from your place of imprisonment. I think I gave that Sheriff the slip and I am eager to arrive at Malcolm Canmore's court, he might be able to grant respite from my homelessness."
"I'm sure I will be able to assist you with that matter once we arrive, I am quite skilled at negotiation. No one can resist my glamor when I cast it."
Hand in hand they came out of the barrow and back into the daylight, but Edward noticed that the season had changed during his brief venture into the mound. The legend about time moving more slowly under the Hill seemed be true for under the mound as well, it's people had deserted it but still it retained its magic. The brown grass crunched under their feet as they crossed what Edward had mistaken for a bailey in search of the gap in the hedge.
They're journey continued, and everywhere they stopped, Aelfgifu performed some small magic that brought them food or kept the safe from wild beasts in the dark forests. She was perfectly at home in those forests, but Edward was still counted as prey by the ruling forces of the forest. Once they reach Malcolm Canmore Aelfgifu quickly obtained an audience with him to discuss Edward's merits. Finally Malcolm agreed to grant Edward land in Tynedale, in return for Edward swearing fealty and paying a tribute every year.
Edward built a set of ringworks for the keep he had on a hill, and the land proved to be unusually fruitful, perhaps aided by Aelfgifu's magic. In the year 1112, Aelfgifu bore Edward a son and they named him Aillil, for he was an elf-child, albeit half blooded.
Aillil grew to be strong and handsome, with his mother's pale countenance and his father's tall, strong frame. All the children were in awe of him, it seemed he could not be bested by anyone at wrestling or any other sport, but the miller's son, Rodwyn, was often want to test that conclusion. He would boast that he had learned some new technique that could not be beaten, and tease Aillil about his hair until he was angry enough to agree to another match. Aillil was an even tempered child, but when anyone brought up his heritage he got very defensive, not only was he part Saxon, but his mother was a Fairy. While the Scots disliked the Saxons and hated the Normans, everyone feared the Fair People who lived under the hills.
One day Rodwyn told Aillil of an archery contest in a nearby hamlet, and bet him a loaf of wheat bread that he couldn't win it. Knowing what a nice present the fine bread would be for his mother, who preferred the more costly wheat to oat or barley because it had been the staple grain of her people when she was young, Aillil agreed to the challenge. The world had been warmer when his mother was young, and wheat had grown more abundantly where they lived. (Mcnaughton)
He told his parents of his entry into the contest and set out for Greenlaw, leaving them searching for a missing sheep. They went into the forest, following what Aelfgifu claimed was a trail, deep into its dark green heart where elder creature still prowled sometimes. Edward grew frightened, but she reassured him that she could send away any creature that threatened them. She became steadily more excited until she was running, dragging Edward behind her by his wrist.
"I can feel my people calling to me," she exclaimed. "They say we're almost there and that it is beautiful where they are."
"I thought you said all of your kind was gone?" Edward tried to slowed their pace. "Stop! Tell me what's going on!"
"It's time for me to follow my people to my destiny, you knew it would happen eventually." A strange light glowed off in the distance, illuminating the moss covered trees they were passing between. They seemed more like scuplted columns than living trees growing at random."I'm not needed anymore, that spell you freed me from was only there to provide me with a purpose for the rest of my earthly life."
"Don't abandon me, and what about our son?"
"Aillil has all that he needs to start his own life now. He doesn't need either of us, which is why you're coming with me."
The light grew brighter, until it wrapped them in its radiance and they were transported to new heights. Aillil returned the next day to an empty house. He brought Rodwyn in with him to fetch cups so they could sample the ale he just won and found his father's sword and fairy treasure on the table in the main room of the keep. He asked Rodwyn to go out and check the kitchen and outbuildings, while he searched the keep and stables, to see if his parents could be found. He wasn't surprised that their search ended with no results. He had always known his mother wasn't happy in this place, and only stayed for his sake, and his father would follow his mother beyond the ends of the earth.
"Rodwyn, let's drink this and eat your bread to celebrate my sudden inheritance of my patrimony." Aillil poured ale into a crockery mug for his friend and the silver fairy cup for himself. "Change will be here soon enough to set us off our ease."
Earl Angus of Moray
When David I took control of the throne of Scotland in 1124 he brought Normans and their customs with him. He provided for the founding of new abbeys and monasteries at Selkirk, Jedburgh, and Melrose, spreading Roman Catholicism into regions that had primarily been filled with Celtic Christians.(Barrell, 50.) He also placed Norman lords over and in place of preexisting Scottish lords and nobles, fitting the very rigid Norman feudal system over the loosely arrayed nobles owing fealty to the King. Aillil Maccrimmor was one of the nobles who was displaced by a Norman emigre, his father's hall in Tynedale was given to Blaise de Caulmont. He was only sixteen years old at the time, but he layed a curse on de Caulmont's household by leaving a certain mark that he learned for his mother, a Fairy maiden, above the door that could not be removed by human means. He stayed with his friend Rodwyn the Miller's son until he was driven away by de Caulmont threatening to chose someone else to be miller for him. De Caulmont convinced David to formally outlaw Maccrimmor, saying he could only cause trouble with the locals if his presence was tolerated. Aillil traveled the countryside learning various trades as he went, being a blacksmith's assistant in one town or a weaver's assistant in another. His fair visage won him friends where words could never have penetrated local superstitions, he must have had some glamor he could not control that was a boon from his unique blood.
One evening a thick fog rolled in around the the settlement of Stracathro in the shire of Farfor, inhabitants said the fog was unnatural for the season but stopped at that.(Siol Nan Gaidheal) Out of the swirling mists came a youth upon a tall, pale horse. He was of similar coloring, with pale hair and eyes that contrasted with his dark blue tunic of an antiquated cut. He wore a flashing golden neckring that observers could not pull their eyes from. He would have passed through the gate unhindered had the guard not suddenly remembered his duty.
"Who are you, stranger?" He snugged his hood around his head and fiddled with the spear he was holding, doing anything that kept him from looking into the stranger's face. "What errand brings you to Stracathro?"
"My name is my own, but you may call me Fion. I am here because I would join with you who wish to throw down this unfit king." Aillil sat straight in the saddle, waiting calmly for what he anticipated would happen.
"You speak of treason! It is my duty to turn you away, but if you would appeal the decision wait outside the wall for me to return." Trying to seem stern, the guard was practically dancing from foot to foot, eager to be elsewhere and have this problem rest on someone else's shoulders.
"Yes, I would like to appeal the decision, so you may be off to find whoever can make a final ruling about my admittance status. Last I heard the Earl of Moray was not feeling well disposed to King David and his laws.(siol nan gaidheal)" He turned his horse around and moved off about 10 yards from the gate, his posture not changing at all as he settled in to wait.
It took the guard about fifteen minutes to find his captain dicing with some soldiers who weren't on watch yet. The bone dice tumbled away from the losing snake eyes and onto double sixes as the guard approached.
"Well you seem to be bringing luck with you, John. What brings you away from your post?" Ragnvald scratched his filthy scalp through the matted, greasy hair that was hidden under his Phrygian cap. He was worried he had picked up lice somewhere, they were such a nusance.(D'Anjou.)
"There's a stranger at the gate speaking openly of treason. I told him he could not enter but that he had a second chance with your decision." John sounded increasingly agitated, "How do we know someone like that is not just a spy for David? What kind of fool goes around talking like that?"
"One who knows his audience and has nothing to lose. Who is he?"
"He said I could call him Fion, but he wouldn't give me his true name."
"A superstitious fellow... Well he has piqued my interest, let's go have a word with this pale stranger." Ragnvald picked up his helmet off the bare dirt they had been dicing on and gestured for John to lead the way. "Better not be another diseased old man."
Aillil had been staring into space when the two men began to approach but he quickly refocused on his surroundings. The new man was considerably taller than the first guard and had scruffy brown beard that matched his clothing and his eyes. However the man had an air of self confidence that Aillil had missed in some many of the people he dealt with, they were all broken, lost souls adrift in a harsh world.
"Well now, boy, what's this I hear of you talking treason, I ought to chain you up and give you to King David as a gift from my lord. I'm sure he'd appreciate me cleaning up his outlawed trash." Ragnvald menacingly reached for the irons that were suspended from his belt, he had never actually used that set on anyone, but he thought they added the right touch to his persona.
"I'd watch who you are quick to call trash if I was you, sirrah. You know nothing of me or my situation, so you have not basis for branding me outlawed. I just wish to discuss with you how we might improve the state of the Scottish kingdom." He shifted from resting his weight on his right side to resting in on his left. This man was resisting what had charmed so many in the past and Aillil wanted to know how.
"Quit back talking or you will soon be faced with a sound drubbing."
"When the likes of you can give me a "sound drubbing" is when I deserve to be beaten. Prove your boasts, come wrestle with me." Aillil dismounted and began to remove his sword belt.
"Not so fast. Wrestling's so dirty and uncivilized, I challenge you to staves." This was said not without some humor, Ragnvald knew how he looked.
"Very well, staves it is." He draped his sword belt, cloak, and blue tunic over his saddle. He cast about, looking for a suitable sapling for a staff.
"Why don't we go inside and use the training staves we have there, that way we can get straight to the combat." Ragnvald turned and started walking back to the gate, without comment Aillil grabbed his horse's reins and followed him into the bailey.
They stopped at the bare dirt area that the off-duty soldiers were still gambling on. Indicating a shed close to the sloping hill of the motte where Aillil could leave his horse, Ragnvald went to the weapons shed and got out two staves of equal length, heft, and thickness. They met up in the center of the clear space and began warming up, the gambling soldiers were now their audience, curious about how their captain would fair against the fair stranger. They had never seen anyone who looked like a perfectly normal youth with hair as silver as an old man's and eyes like storm clouds.
Maintaining his aggressive posture, Ragnvald attacked first with a quick feint at Aillil's feet that swung viciously around towards his head. Ragnvald sought to follow it up with a downward strike at Aillil's knee, but was once again blocked. Aillil blocked it perfectly, not looking at all surprised by the sudden switching of targets. He countered with a strike aimed at Ragnvald's exposed side, which Ragnvald moved to block but wasn't quite fast enough and the blow glance off his ribs. This minor success seemed to provide the impetus Aillil needed to go on the offensive and start attacking in earnest. After that it wasn't long before Ragnvald lay panting on the ground with blood trickling from his brow, clutching at his side. Aillil's only memento from the fight was a sickly bruise only just beginning to black on his left shoulder, which was his weakest point.
"Alright, I guess you have proved your merit on the field of battle, but how are your tactics?" Ragnvald hit the mark square on. Aillil could defend himself, but he had never been taught how to defend using more than one person. He had never been in a position to command men in battle because of his peaceful upbringing and sudden denoblement. "Well you're in luck, tomorrow we are marching out to try and do away with the Norman scum. You will be able to witness battle tactics first hand, I asssume you wish to accompany us."
"Of course, I'm not foolhardy though, I will fight with you if I can work out some sort of agreement with Mormaor Angus." (Siol nan Gaidheal) Aillil looked around, like he expected Angus to appear amongst the gathered soldiers. Then he noticed that Ragnvald was still on the ground and extended a hand to him."Will I get a chance to see him before the march begins?"
"Aye, at dinner you can approach him. You'll be my special guest." Ragnvald accepted the proffered hand and hoisted himself up.
At dinner that evening everyone crowded into the hall which had never been intended to hold so many. As a special treat and strengthener, beef was being served along with the vegetable mush, flat bread, and ale. Aillil ate and drank sparingly, not liking the rotten undertaste of the soup and ale, and not wanting to glut himself on meat in a still precarious situation. Ragnvald had made it known that Aillil was his friend and a powerful man indeed. When he noticed a vacancy at the head table, Aillil sat down and introduced himself Angus of Moral and Malcolm of Ross. He made his position known and inquired about how that might change should Angus succeed, and he was assured the his father's land would be returned to him. He left the hall with a new purpose and an improved chance at achieving his goal.
On the morning of the march to Inchbare Ford, April 14 1130, a mist rose with them and followed them into battle. It lifted as they crossed the ford and saw David's Constable's footsoldiers marching towards them. Thinking that was the extent of the opposing forces they formed up for a traditional mass charge. (Siol nan Gaidheal) Horsemen attacked from out of nowhere and stopped the charge from taking place. They were effectively countered by the formation of a shield facilitated by the massing of before, and the knights were picked off one by one as first there horses were disabled then they were attacked while off balance. Repeated charges by the Normans all met a similar fate, making it look like Angus's victory was inevitable. Unfortunately Angus was drawn in by the challenge of a Norman knight and slain, leaving Malcolm of Ross in command. Ross was a more experienced campaigner than Angus and once again victory loomed in the near future, but then the Normans received 2,400 fresh horseman reinforcements and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. Malcolm did the only sensible thing when he learned of the reinforcements, he began withdrawing his men. Aillil fought at the end of the line of retreat, taking many lives with his bright sword and helping his friends escape the pursuing Normans and making them pay dearly for their pursuit. Malcolm left behind the spoils they had collected in order to distract the enemy and allow the rest of his men to escape in the trees where the mist was rising again.
While Aillil Maccrimmor did not regain his land, he did win several steadfast friends in that adventure, no longer leaving him to wander Scotland alone.
Aillil and de Caulmont's tribute
To support the Norman system, the serfs had to give large portions of what they grew or earned to their immediate lord, who in turn had to give some as tribute to a lord above him, who himself had to pay tribute to the King.() Such an unjust system is made even worse by greedy lords trying to grow stronger than their immediate overlords. Blaise de Caulmont was one such lord. He left his serfs with just enough to survive on, and sometimes not quite that.
One day, Aillil Maccrimmor and his friends happened to be journeying through Tynedale, which had once been Aillil's home. Ragnvald suggested they pay it a visit, which dismayed Aillil- the thought of seeing de Caulmont in his home- and he refused to go near it.
Fion, a nimble Irish boy they had met in Argyll, volunteered to bring Aillil a present to cheer him up and set off alone. He crept up to the keep, Tynedale was so peaceful had no wall around it's bailey, unhindered he slipped in through the back door near the kitchen. Once inside he found a closet to hide in and stopped to evaluate the situation. There was now an outer shell of stone around the keep, so the hall echoed weirdly when a servant passed through it every now and then and the private back rooms felt imprisioning. When his eyes adjusted to the new lighting Fion realized he was exactly where he wanted to be. Looking at the collection of stone- and silverware of a fairly wealthy Norman noble. He noticed a silver cup that did not match the other styles, it seemed fainter, but more elegant. He reached out, wrapped his hands around the cup, and slid it into his purse. Fion listened to the last set of audible footsteps to fade then slipped out of the closet and back out the way he had come.
"Aillil I do believe I have something that will improve your humor." Fion presented the cup to Aillil, "It reminded me of you for some reason."
"Thank you, it does me much good to see my mother's fairy cup out of the hands of de Caulmont." He held it close, caressing its smooth surface with a smile on his face thinking back to his youth. He started,"Rodwyn, why didn't I think of it before?! All I need to do is visit Rodwyn, he will tell me the state of things without being overly dire."
Aillil led them along paths that he hadn't tread in years, following his memory back to his friend's house, the mill. The door was answered by a man that looked like Rodwyn, but much more harried and torrmented. "Why do you return now? You can't help us now."
"What's happened?" Aillil was confused and alarmed, wondering what sort of terrible thing could have happened.
"We have to pay so much tribute now, since the last time he found out about us hiding you. We don't have enough to feed our families. How much more will he take this time?" He had started to shake with anger at what Aillil had caused to happen to them. "Leave now, before you are seen."
"Don't worry Rodwyn, I think I have a plan to help everyone here." Aillil looked very cheerful suddenly, "and it might even be fun."
Wearing his fine tunic pinned up to show his kirtle, shaped stuffing tied to his chest, and a veil and fillet over his own long fair hair Aillil approached the main entrance to the keep.(Mcnaughton.) When he was greeted he said, in a genteelly pitched voice, "you sent for a diviner. What am I to be looking for?"
"I thought you said you would be delayed another few weeks?" The steward shuddered, as if he felt a chill, then said, "well never mind, you're here now. You should be searching for the source of a curse or malevolent enchantment."
"Yes, yes. I do sense something like what you are looking for, but..." he trailed off, as if waiting to be prompted. "I don't know if you are going to like what it will cost for you to have it removed."
"I was told price was inconsequential, so I'm sure we can work out whatever you might request."
"It will cost you as much treasure as I can hold in my kirtle."
The steward looked surprised and pleased, "of course that is an acceptable price."
"Remember you agreed to that price."
"I will. Now will you please remove it? It has been making everyone uncomfortably hot or cold and has even gotten people sick."
Aillil entered the hall and shut the door on the Steward's face, "You must wait outside for me to be able to do this."
He barred the door and muttered Latin-sounding words loudly while he searched the hall for anything else that was part of his heritage. Then he reached up over the door and took down the curse and put another one in its place. Aillil unbarred the door and tore the curse paper before the steward's eyes, mist rolled off it for a little while before subsiding.
"Would you show me to you treasury?"
"I'll show to the closet where we keep valuable things." He led Aillil down the hall to the closet Fion had been hiding in earlier.
Aillil pulled the bottom hem of his kirtle up high enough to make a pouch, then the steward watched in awe as every single thing it the closet vanished into it, without ever seeming to grow bigger. Aillil made his clinking exit.
When he return to Rodwyn's mill he was dressed as normal and carried a large noisy sack over his shoulder. Aillil sent the sack down in front of Rodwyn and told him, "divide this equally amongst those who need it. Now I will leave to spare you the wrath of de Caulmont."
With that Aillil and his friends continued on to a new place.
Aillil and the Vikings
In 1153 Aillil Maccrimmor and his men were staying in the port of Hartlepool, enjoying the sea and learning to fish. It so happened that a final Viking raid was made at that same time. (Simpson.) They helped the seafolk fend off the Norsemen, whose traditional attire made them seem much less fearsome that once they were, the Normans offered a new challenge that the Saxons and Scots would have to adapt to, whereas the Norse were already part of their history. They had stepped out of the past to a time when they were no longer feared. The Norse did have other potential though, once they respected Scotland's military strength they became useful allies in future struggles against England.
The young King MalcolmIV was impressed by what he saw as Aillil protecting Scotland against an old and dangerous foe. As a reward he returned to Aillil his home in Tynedale, the surrounding land, however, he gave to the greedy Roman Catholic Church, leaving Aillil to farm his own small remaining bailey, and the slopes of his motte. Ragnvald and Wulffrith the Viking remained with Aillil at Tynedale, they were dedicated to their lord, even though he seemed to no longer know what to do with himself.
The Death of Aillil Maccrimmor
Time passed, there came yet another new king to Scotland, also bent on reclaiming Northumbria, William the Lion. (Simpson.) Ragnvald died in his sleep in 1172 and Aillil and Wulffrith buried him on the Southern slope on the motte so that he could always guard them against trouble coming out of England. Aillil had retained some of his mother's youthfulness and he looked no older than a man in his middle years, he seemed matched with Wulffrith in years although Wulffrith was considerably younger.
For his next attack on Northern England William the Lion required that all men of nobility and strength either serve in this new campaign or hire a substitute. Aillil, counted only as a minor noble, could not afford to hire a substitute and he was still deemed fit to fight, so he was forced to go off on campaign when he would rather have stayed at home. William was not a noted tactician and his final battle was at Alnwick where he was captured by the English in July of 1174.(Barrell, 81.) Aillil had been assigned as part of William's personal guard because of his renown prowess with arms, undiminished by the passage of time. He fell last defending the king he protected only out of obligation not loyalty. As he lay bleeding on the field a mist rose up and enfolded him, it brought him back to Tynedale, where he had be happiest in life, and in death the place he protected.
SOMEDAY: I will rewrite this properly and it will be magnificent. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | brand new- seventy times 7 | ] |
i want to write, but i can't. i'm thinking too damn much and it stops me from writing anything productive.
i know i need to do something about my life, it's getting beyond my control, and i'm missing opportunities, because i'm so lazy. i have no plan, no ambitions or dreams. something needs to happen, i need to figure things out and get started. 2 things: study my languages harder and perhaps think about culinary school.
maybe i can write now. we shall see. |
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| narrowly missed seeing a porn theater |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|12:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  toasty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mostly punk mix | ] |
just had an amazing auditory experience with i wanna riot. the sound of the lead vocal's voice became perfectly clear in my mind. oi!
no use for a name just doesn't come across as nicely. mmm...rancid....
sex and dying in high society is warmer, but then cold when the woman in x sings.
enough sound talk... but what else is there to talk about. i got no idea where to go from here, maybe that's why i'm...
drugs are a more personal habit than drinking. much drinking is highly social, willingly and necessarily include many people. other altered states are a far more internal process because it all takes place inside your mind clearly, in a unique way, somehow more self imposed than alcoholic intoxication. dpression is so easily avoided with a little assistance. i know it is unhealthy..but ~/+_+\~
i was feeling my neck and i accidently hit a pressure point. oww
hot water music is so calming. but his voice sounds so lonely and bitter.
despair- a theory:
that terrible sinking feeling in your gut, the engulfing emptiness that makes you feel sick, it can consume you if you let it. it could be called disappointment, but it feels so much worse. like you can never be happy again and it's so irrational, you can't really explain it or make it go away. it can make you wonder if you are depressed or if suicide might actually be the answer. that's why you need people, to keep it at bay. they can protect you by just being there, providing a stimulus to release certain chemicals in your brain, like a drug, that pull you back from the edge.
this is silly crap that i will come back and delete when i get back into a normal frame of mind.
bleh, i'm snacky again.must not drink more drpepper
ffuuuuuuucccckkkkk!!!!!!!11111!!!11!1!1!1!1!1!!!!! my head's getting all squishy and i forgot to taske my pills.
done
still snacky/verging on hungry
damn
mmmpancakes and french toast oh my
fat
but i still loveses t3h pancakes
pancakes |
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| mindlessly cheerful day |
[Mar. 30th, 2005|08:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bad Religion | ] |
i spent slightly over 12 hours with nick today. skipped class, probably sholdn't have since i want to miss some to hang out with timothy when he comes, i'm still happy though. tomorrow's going to suck but oh well, that's tomorrow. human contact does make everything better, a little lovin' is all everyone needs to feel better about the world.
i'm sure i could rant more, but i am taken by the urge to go do my homework for my honors class. guess i'll go do that.
still no voice mail, so if you want to get ahold of me, be persistent, or try IMing me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|04:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the vapors | ] |
moved in. it was a bitch to finish all by myself, but it's done except for the signing out and the room cleaning. new room is so tiny and i have too much crap and my lovely computer is too bulky. oh well.
new phone number if you don't already know: 925-1583
no voice mail though- might check my old phone one more time before i close up my room for good.
i've been having really bad mood swings or something, i was definately freaking out last night might be too much weird coffee but i'm not sure. if i can get back on track with school all will be well maybe. |
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| take off the gloves and sock it to 'em |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|10:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rancid- Life Won't Wait- Black Lung | ] |
well i have to move out by monday @ 5pm. son of a bitch.
ocean's twelve was kinda confusing but also kinda simplistic. not sure if i liked it.
i'm fucking up again, but am making no effort to correct it. wonder what's going to happen to me. i should be worried but i'm not, except in the wee hours of the morning( 5AM)when i should be sleeping. i have faith that things will turn out alright- maybe. |
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| seething fury can't be good for anyone |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|05:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anti-flag | ] |
if i wasn't feeling quite so inexplicably good, i'd be really pissed off. still can't get ahold of the girlies who need roommate. housing bitches!!!!!!! the rage, it's just not there.
I am 66% evil.
I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.
Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|03:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sex pistols | ] |
things i have done today(yesterday):
-tried to fix my bangs. really just ended up with a shorter version of the same mess.
-glazed things half-assedly.
-introduced anne to dropkick murphys. success.
-wasted time with nick. still horny.
-went to see shonen knife. failed-> 21 and over bitches.
-roasted marshmellows and burnt stuff in a park. quality fun.
-talked to megan way too long and under her influence downloaded an ass-load of pictures of Sid Vicious and Sex Pistols. LOTS of pictures.
-make journal post and IM. still not going to bed anytime soon.
new icon! |
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| this is so messed up |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|02:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | brand new- sic transit gloria | ] |
peeps, webcomics, and regrets- my company for the evening.
in some cases i know what is wrong and how to remedy it, but i make no move to do so. blind complacency and cheerful apathy
completely consumed are the soft purple rabits as i await the ringing of the phone. nothing will come but cold and sleep. and then a new day will dawn- cold and bright- with a new lost chance to put things right.
breathing is nice but not a nessecity. |
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| they make all the right reasons to fuck it up- you're gonna fuck it up |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|12:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  listless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | against me! | ] |
have you ever wanted to start over with a clean slate? not quite sure if you have fucked up or if everything's alright, so you just want to start over and try again. things can get away from you when your perceptions are warped, they seem to take on a life of their own and when you think about them you can't remember what is correct and what is not. i've been living in a weird haze because of spring break, but this change in the weather might have brought me back to reality. i can't really tell what's normal anymore, sometimes things seem so normal, but could also be really strange. sometimes it feels like life is just a bunch of lies and occaisionally you find out the truth, but you don't necessarily recognize it for what it is.
...gotta love self-medication...
anyway. i feel like i'm falling behind, but i'm not really missing anything. how do i get out into the world and find out what's going on? being so cold outside makes it more difficult in the physical sense. maybe i should try and find a reputable broker of national and global news on the internet, that might help.
it's ridiculous, do i really care? there's nothing i can do about any of that shit, screw you people who think that you can actually change things. there is no practical reason to know most of those things, on national news the only informative thing is how and how much the government is planning on fucking you- if they bother to tell you about it at all- and the global news is just a string of travesties and tragedies, and proof of how behind and backwards the USA is in comparison with other nations of 1st world standing. also with myself being a person of inconsequential means, there is no possible way i could gain power and influence enough to even have input on these things.
it's funny, people have a very circumspect way of talking about really serious or personal things on livejournal. they are still trying to use it as a journal, but are also very keenly aware of its vulnerablity to prying eyes. anyone could find out you fucked someone else, or did forbidden substances, or lied to their face and enjoyed it. quite a funny place to be trying to keep our personal private and our public antics public. i must plead guilty to doing that on occassion, but that doesn't keep me from acknowledging its hypocrisy. i'm gonna cut the crap(somewhat) and say that i'm afraid i've said some things that [were situationally inappropriate] or{i shouldn't have said}...hmm which is better... and was too damn st***d be sure. um..that's probably gonna get deleted. oh well. bored now, going to give up on this. hope whoever read this enjoyed trippy rant(or vice-versa). |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|06:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
lost the need to rant. it just feels silly now
going to louisiana is going to very interesting fortunately i'll be back by monday. |
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